Two things, essentially.
In your mind, keep enough distance. Nothing that happens at work is that big a deal. In your actions, anchor to the objective, go all in, and don’t let any emotion pull you off course.
A few days ago someone commented under my last post, the one about how to fight without damaging the relationship. They described having to argue with other teams regularly, and how much it drains them. So I’ve been thinking about it since. Realistically, some amount of conflict and competition at work is unavoidable. Where there are people there’s a world of people, and sometimes you don’t start it, you simply get pulled into something.
Which means that if you can reduce what it costs you, you become far more sustainable. Never mind being the stronger fighter. Just for your quality of life, for eating well and sleeping well, it makes a real difference. Here’s what I think works.
In the mind: distance, and the knowledge that there are more important things than work
I remember, around 2008, almost twenty years ago now, just starting out, there was a senior colleague who used to say to me: work is theatre, and it’s all in the acting. I don’t know why, but while I was thinking about today’s topic, that person and that sentence walked straight into my head. At the time I took it to mean suppressing what you really feel, saying the appropriate thing in the appropriate setting, and so on. Looking back now, I think what it actually meant was this: hold everything that happens at work at a distance, including the competing interests, the arguments and the occasional genuine scheming. Don’t get so far into the role. Don’t let yourself believe that any of it is the whole of your life.
I’ve been going back over my own history too. Work in Shanghai, the competition during my MBA in Germany, the various battles large and small across those Berlin years. Looking at it now, honestly, none of it was much. Most of the people and the incidents have gone blurry. And more than that: when I won, what I gained was never as large or as lasting as I’d imagined. When I lost, what it cost me was never as large or as lasting either.
If I could do it over, I’d hold it all at more of a distance in my mind, and put my actual heart into the people and the things I genuinely care about: my health, the people I love and the people who love me, the things I enjoy, everything else in my life. The rest of it, the workplace and the people in it, I’d draw a small circle around, and keep them from touching the core.
In the action: extreme focus, a clear objective
This one works hand in hand with the distance. If you’re in a job and you hold a position in it, then of course you want to achieve something. And I think most conflicts have a reason and an aim behind them. Even small children squabbling in a nursery are usually after something specific, whether that’s the toy or a parent’s approval.
So the other half is this. In your actions, commit completely, and keep the most important objective of this particular fight anchored in your mind, so you don’t get lost among the feelings. A fight exists to achieve a goal. Don’t let anger, resentment or a sense of injustice steer you off course.
There’s a second layer to the objective. Beyond what the company, the organisation or your manager handed down, what’s your personal agenda? You want to be able to answer clearly: what’s in it for me? That may well matter more than what the organisation wants to achieve through you. For instance: on the surface, at the organisational level, a conflict is about resources and scope. Your personal agenda inside it might be to practise selling a vision. Or to build trust and relationships with a particular set of people. Since you’re spending the time and the energy anyway, try to make the outcome a win-win, with actions that serve the organisation’s interests and your own growth at once.
When the objective is that clear, the rest of it doesn’t raise much of a wave in you: the friction with a particular person, something they said, a look, a badly worded email, even genuinely aggressive or manipulative behaviour. Because you’re holding something much larger.
That’s roughly it. When conflict is unavoidable, do it properly. Distance in the mind, all in on the action, anchored to the objective. That way you never give any other emotion the chance to spend your energy for you.